[NOTE: I've rewritten this several times, paring down the self-pity each time until now there's none left. Yay for me. :-)]
A month or so back I dropped in on my OKCupid profile after months away,
and while I was there a text box popped up. “Walt” wanted to chat. He
had sent me a message some time before but it looked generic, so I
hadn’t answered. I felt flattered that he was interested enough to try
again, and we had a pleasant text-exchange. Further chats and messages
Walt seemed nice - engaging, funny, full of compliments. There was this thing where if he didn’t want to answer a question he just ignored it, but whatever. He wanted to meet. We arranged drinks at the Great Lost Bear. The day of, he postponed. We were communicating about a second try, and then all of a sudden I stopped hearing from him.
The cutoff came after I left him a voice mail message for the first time, and I still often sound male to people on the phone, so was that why? Anyway, I spent a few days compulsively checking my messages, then weathered a day of feeling worthless and unloveable, and then it was past.
I never outright asked Walt if he understood that I’m trans, but I figured he knew because he said he had read my whole profile. Also it turned out he had just finished working at USM, so it seemed unlikely he had missed my recent public transition. Plus he said he had seen me a few times and liked what he saw.
The more I think about love, the less it seems to me to have anything to do with gender. I’m looking for a sympatico someone who might be interested in a mutual opening-toward. There’s no gender in that. As for bodies, well, what matters most to me is cuddling, and everybody has warm skin. Beyond that, if my someone wants sex, I have hardly any libido myself, but I’m comfy in my own body finally, and willing to go along with whatever.
That theory espoused, I will admit to ongoing curiousity about the possibility of a male-bodied lover. I mean, it would be a shame to never try out the new parts, right? Evidently, though, I'm not open to something casual, so...hm. Lisa the enigmasexual.
Walt, no hard feelings, but you could at least have sent a last “Sorry
not interested after all” message, y’know? You had me hoping, and then
you left me hanging.
I never even met the guy face to face. Fucking impulsive overeager puppydog heart. No restraint whatsoever.