There are two questions which I sense people often want to ask but usually don't:
"Are you really going to have genital surgery?"
~and~
"So now that you think of yourself as a woman, who do you want to have sex with?"
The answer to the first question is, I won't know for sure until I've done it, but yes, that is the plan. As they are now, things down there don't feel right any more. Specifically, I'm tired of testosterone, and want to be quit of it. It clouds my thinking and my natural being.
The answer to the second question is more elusive. In recent weeks I have enjoyed flirtations with both women and men...but it's complicated because of the answer to question one. I don't have a woman's body (yet) and that confuses the issue.
I have at least been able to come up with a cool new phrase to describe my current emotional/sexual state. At least for the next little while, I have decided that I am an "omniphilic ambisexual."
"Omniphilic" means that I am equally open to loving either a man or a woman. I can't remember now where I picked it up, but I deeply dig this phrase: "Love is tender and knows no gender." I feel open to love...meaning, an intense and exclusive emotional connection with a simpatico someone...and that person could be any gender. What matters is the connection. It' doen't necessarily have anything to do with sex, and it feels more important than sex. A lot more.
The "ambi-" of "ambisexual" is meant to conjure up two associations: The "ambi-" in "ambidextrous" and the "ambi-" in "ambivalent." I can imagine being sexual with anyone, but on any given day I don't care very much about it. Funny, in our sex-obsessed society, "none of the above" actually seems like a provocative answer.
I sure could do with some cuddling though...and sex could still be very hot if the love part was happening...hmm... *gets lost in erotic revery*
(About whom? not telling...)
Anyway, one thing I can say for sure: I don't want to fake it. From now on, whether it is love or the erotic impulse or both, I will only act if it feels real to me. As a "man" I always felt at least a little detached, artificial...naturally, since my manhood was an act. Now for the first time at the tender age of 47 (though it feels like 16) my naked heart turns outward, looking for connection. That's exciting. It's also scary, which is another reason to go slow.
One more thing I know for sure: I never felt comfortable being the aggressor, the instigator. I feel romantically and erotically passive, receptive. Not that I want to be less loving than loved - I'm totally into that both ways thing - but I'd really like the other person to take the lead most of the time.
To put it another way, I think I might enjoy being courted. Now there's a novel concept. Never thought of that when I was passing as male... :-)