As of 10/14/09, I am tentatively stopping my daily update on this page. I have a plan to transition, I'm being flexible about timeline, I know I have the option of stopping at any time...and underneath that, I want to be a woman all the time. It's always there. So tracking day to day seems pointless. I'm preserving the page in case I decide to start tracking again, and as a record of a phase of metamorphosis.
* * *
I've retooled this page as of late August, 2009, because I have made up my mind to move toward transition, so the original question and rating scale no longer make sense. I've left that setup intact below, if you're curious, but I have to ask a new question and devise a new scale...one within which a great deal of emotional pain is not the only possible path to transition. How about just deciding? Which is what I've done...
The new question is: As I move forward with the early, relatively easy stages of transition, how clearly do I still feel each day that I have made the right choice? How strong is my resolve? And here's the scale:
0 What was I thinking?! This is all wrong...stop everything, I want to be a man again.
1 I have serious doubts about this becoming-a-woman thing.
2 I am pausing where I am, and will need to feel more driven again to take any further steps.
3 I'm feeling easy where I am, but am still proceeding with caution.
4 I feel resolved, but am staying flexible about timeline...
5 It is clear to me that transition is my only choice, asap.
- 091008 4
- 091007 4
- 091006 3
- 091005 3
- 091004 2
- 091003 3
- 091002 3
- 091001 3
- 090930 3
- 090929 4
- 090928 4
- 090927 4
- 090926 4
- 090925 3
- 090924 4
- 090923 4
- 090922 4
- 090921 4
- 090920 4
- 090919 4
- 090918 4
- 090917 4
- 090916 3
- 090915 2
- 090914 3
- 090913 4
- 090912 4
- 090911 4
- 090910 4
- 090909 3
- 090908 4
- 090907 4
- 090906 4
- 090905 4
- 090904 4
- 090903 4
- 090902 4
- 090901 4
- 090831 3
- 090830 4
- 090829 5
- 090828 4
- 090827 3
- 090826 4
- 090825 4
- 090824 4
- 090823 5
- 090822 5
Here's the original tracker setup and data:
Will I change my body to match how I feel? That's a big question.
I would need to ache for it hard and long before I took any irreversible steps...but how hard, how long? 4 on a scale of 5 for a year? 4.5? Straight 5 out of 5 for a year?
Still working on that...in the meantime, on this page I'm going to record my level of femme ache, from 0 to 5, from day to day, according to the following scale:
0
Male is just fine, thanks.
1 I do sometimes feel somewhat
femme.
2 You know, sometimes I think I'd feel more comfortable
as a woman.
3 Who am I kidding? I'm femme through and
through...gotta face facts.
4 I really just want to be a
woman.
5 Oh, it hurts. I have to transition...there's no
other option.
OK, here we go: Date followed by ache-number:
- 090821 5
- 090820 5
- 090819 5
- 090818 5
- 090817 4
- 090816 5
- 090815 4
- 090814 4
- 090813 4
- 090812 4
- 090811 2
- 090810 2
- 090809 3
- 090808 3
- 090807 4
- 090806 3
- 090805 2
- 090804 2
- 090803 1
- 090802 2
- 090801 3
- 090731 3
AAARGH! I accidentally erased this page, and the newest backup available was a month old, so I lost a month of data. There were four fives, I remember, one one, a couple of twos, and the rest threes and fours, with a long run of fours and fives shortly after I came out to my children...there has never been a zero.
- 090630 3
- 090629 4
- 090628 4
