The last three weeks have been a sustained orgy of organization and preparation, and at last I am ready. As of this typing, Monday morning, surgery is about 48 hours away. Sus and I drive up to Montreal starting as soon as I post this.
So, how do I feel? Excited, scared, curious, determined, eager, sad, on tenterhooks.
Actually, I’m two different kinds of scared. One is scared of the surgery, the pain, the possibility of a bad outcome. The other is, still, scared that something will happen to prevent me from doing this. I have had so much can’t in my life - the city of my mind is laid out in the shape of the word can’t - that I will not be free of that fear until I wake up with the act accomplished.
It was an up and down week with the children - we were all at pains, I think, to establish our neediness, which was a little rough for a bit...but there were also many lovely moments. Sam had friends over for a LOTR movie marathon, and I fed them mac and cheese. Mad goosed Sam while he was holding a klaxon horn and made him beep it involuntarily - one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I gave them I’ll-be-thinking-of-you gifts and chocolate, and they’re at their other parents’ house for three weeks.
Other bits: so wonderful to have Sis Sus here...she brought me a book of Maya Angelou poems, with a bookmark at one about being a phenomenal woman...some nice well-wishes at work, and one or two awkward conversations with male acquaintances whose answer to the awkwardness they feel is to make crude jokes...a special order of enough lube (for the aftercare regime) for two people to get trapped in a bathtub.
There’s more, but it’s time to go. I plan to blog through the experience, but with an emphasis on social/psychological/whimsical rather than graphic detail. I will be reachable by e-mail, fb, and phone (207) 985-2053, and the aftercare address is:
908 Boulevard Gouin Ouest
Montreal, QC H3L 1K8, Canada
OK. Here I go.