I continue to struggle with voice. I'm not even close to where I want to be, I don't feel like I'm making any progress, and I'm frustrated and afraid that I'm never going to be able to figure this out. In internet audio files I have heard stunning results...natural, warm, expressive, *beautiful* female voices. I underestand the techniques, but I just can't seem to do it. I'm still all scratchy and creaky and falsetto-y. I still sound to my own ears like a man. Worse: like a man hurting himself to no useful end. Fuck.
I think I'm going to have to break down and seek professional voice coaching. What will it cost? Money and pride. Ha.
In the meantime, I thought it would be different and instructive to post some audio. Earlier this year I bought a little handheld digital recorder which I keep in my car so I can practice while I commute. I recorded the following yesterday while driving on the Maine Turnpike. As you will hear, it's the second of two takes. It runs a bit over seven minutes and turned out to be as good a summary of where I am now in the transition process as I could have produced had a sat down to write it.
[note added 3 days later: the above explanatory text came out of feeling frustrated and needing to vent; the voice issue is both less fraught and more complicated than that. Less fraught: day to day I'm comfy most of the time regardless of how my voice sounds as long as I am accepted and treated as a woman, which I mostly am these days, at least face to face - telephone conversations are still challenging. More complicated: the central reason, I think, I'm having trouble developing the voice I want is that I'm conflicted about what voice I want: a startlingly natural woman's voice, or a defiantly odd I'm-trans-and-I'm-proud voice. At least I don't feel compelled to press the matter. Mostly I feel content to just be and speak and change as I need to change. This involves some squirming, but it's healthy, I think.]
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