Three mornings ago I dreamed of a willful dominant little girl gleefully
continuing her project of slowly but inevitably encasing in exotic
bondage-wear - cuffs, a steel band over the mouth, motion-constricting
metal leg tubes - a passive and accepting full grown man...and I felt
myself to be both figures, and woke troubled. My primary image for who I
was before my gender revelation has been of a true girl-self
self-exiled inside a man-shell. Lying in the grey rain-light of that
early waking, I made myself face another model: that of a person with
two legitimate selves, girl and man, who has been all man too long, and
who might in seeking redress swing too far to girl ever to come
back...and then someday want to.
(Please note I'm saying "girl" instead of "woman" on purpose, both because I still just feel so new, and also because I am still digging this video to which a friend recently linked me...)
I agonized about starting hormones, and felt it was a point of serious commitment, and it was...but it turns out, taking daily pills, that I'm still re-deciding every morning. Both meds I'm taking, estrogen and an androgen-blocker, build slowly in the system and take effect over months or even years...so, despite teasing my sweetie with texts announcing that my new breasts have come in (flump-flump...just like that!), I've noticed no effect yet, and am not likely to for many weeks yet. (I'm trying to look in the mirror as little as possible...I've also started keeping track of various body measurements, so I have something objective to judge results by.) I could still stop with absolutely no ill effects.
That grey morning I dozed for another hour, trying to feel truly, then got up and fetched my two pill-bottles and decanted the one tiny green and two massive white pills into my palm and looked at them. Then, can of seltzer, pop, swallow.
I've been thinking recently that I need to decide a thousand times to become a woman. That was number 950 or so.
The three mornings since then, it has been easy and natural to take the pills. No decision at all really...but still I wonder: am I dismantling a false shell, or am I switching one self-imprisoned self for another?
Hm.
I can say this: I've wanted out of that cell for 46 years...but him...well, if he's real, he seems to like it.
(Please note I'm saying "girl" instead of "woman" on purpose, both because I still just feel so new, and also because I am still digging this video to which a friend recently linked me...)
I agonized about starting hormones, and felt it was a point of serious commitment, and it was...but it turns out, taking daily pills, that I'm still re-deciding every morning. Both meds I'm taking, estrogen and an androgen-blocker, build slowly in the system and take effect over months or even years...so, despite teasing my sweetie with texts announcing that my new breasts have come in (flump-flump...just like that!), I've noticed no effect yet, and am not likely to for many weeks yet. (I'm trying to look in the mirror as little as possible...I've also started keeping track of various body measurements, so I have something objective to judge results by.) I could still stop with absolutely no ill effects.
That grey morning I dozed for another hour, trying to feel truly, then got up and fetched my two pill-bottles and decanted the one tiny green and two massive white pills into my palm and looked at them. Then, can of seltzer, pop, swallow.
I've been thinking recently that I need to decide a thousand times to become a woman. That was number 950 or so.
The three mornings since then, it has been easy and natural to take the pills. No decision at all really...but still I wonder: am I dismantling a false shell, or am I switching one self-imprisoned self for another?
Hm.
I can say this: I've wanted out of that cell for 46 years...but him...well, if he's real, he seems to like it.
I love reading your posts, Lisa. They are such a beautiful insight into the process, the journey, you are undergoing.
Posted by: Sarah | 06/14/2010 at 11:12 AM