The Breath Before the Plunge

My appointment last week with the endocrinologist went well.  I like him and trust him, and he's ready to write me a prescription for Estradiol as soon as I'm ready to ask for it.

I'm not ready.

I ache as much as ever to be a woman...but this feels like a big step, The Big Step, in fact. The moment of commitment.  Once I start taking those pills the closest light will be up ahead, at the far end of the tunnel, and, knowing myself, I know I will move deliberately forward until I reach it.

So, I pause...and find that I feel drained, exhausted.  Time to rest for a little while, if I can.

While I rest, I continue to grieve the passing away of my old male self, especially at the moment with regard to parenthood.  I have been a good dad, and I will always be the best parent I can be, but I still feel a loss, and I think my children must too, if not now then sometime.  They have called me "Daddio" since they were small, and I love that...I couldn't bear to ask them to stop...but a point will come when out in the world at least, around other people, it won't make sense any more.  A new label will need to be found.

Not yet.  I feel a need to linger now, close to the gender-divide, but still on the male side.  I don't know how long...not just a few weeks, but not years either.  At some point in a small number of months, I guess, it will feel right to call my endo back and set hormone-treatment in motion...and then the rest of the journey will follow.

Meanwhile, work, children, writing...life.  Let's see, what needs to be done next?  :-)

Comments

[Ghost Rider]

Wow, I know this is an old post, but as an FTM who is only four days away from top surgery, I can feel some of what you mean. I've been on hormones for several years now and I remember that first step well. And honestly, now, I feel like I'm taking that first step all over again. I wish you the best of luck and a smooth journey. I guess every step is just another beginning.