Got an electrolysis appointment next week to begin to finish
beard-removal. Got an endocrinologist appointment too, to talk about
hormones. Had a counseling appointment with my children, and my
counselor said at the end she is completely comfortable taking their
word that they are fine with my gender plans.
Furthermore, I'm going to be prominently featured in an article in the Phoenix coming out next Wednesday (with a photo of my current gender-ambiguous look), the same day that I'm Deb's guest on Lesbian Radio on WMPG. I'm going to be very publicly out next week.
What is this: an attempt to make myself do something I'm not actually sure about, by telling everyone, so I have to go through with it?
No.
Every time I try to doubt, that implacable answer comes back. I want to be a woman.
And, it appears, no one is going to stop me.
It's the endo appointment that scares me. As early as next week I could be taking my first estrogen pills. Will I do it? I want to, but I'm afraid...and also sad about the slow passing away of old male self. I made a good man for a long time. I wish I could have gone on being that man. He wasn't real, but he was worthy...and he is worthy of being mourned, and I am mourning him.
I can always wait a little while before taking that first pill...and I think I do want to try to do that. (Shh...don't wake her up...)
Yeah, there is this sense of dual self sometimes: I feel like the wary parent of an exceptionally emotional and willful child. Parent-self does feel feminine, but does not need to insist on that; child-self is all girl, and ready to throw a tantrum at any moment: IMAGIRLIMAGIRLIMAGIRLIMAGIRL... I hope that, as my inner parent continues to learn to better nurture and direct the energy of my inner child, and as my inner child continues to learn both to trust my inner parent and to govern her own passions a little, my one deeper self will begin to emerge...as whole and complete a woman as I can be.
There is an outcome here which I have hardly dared imagine, but which begins to really seem possible: I am a convincing natural woman in the world, and in love with someone who is in love with me, and I've not hurt anyone, and I'm happy. And now since my daughter has company over, I'm going to have to go into the bathroom to cry.
Furthermore, I'm going to be prominently featured in an article in the Phoenix coming out next Wednesday (with a photo of my current gender-ambiguous look), the same day that I'm Deb's guest on Lesbian Radio on WMPG. I'm going to be very publicly out next week.
What is this: an attempt to make myself do something I'm not actually sure about, by telling everyone, so I have to go through with it?
No.
Every time I try to doubt, that implacable answer comes back. I want to be a woman.
And, it appears, no one is going to stop me.
It's the endo appointment that scares me. As early as next week I could be taking my first estrogen pills. Will I do it? I want to, but I'm afraid...and also sad about the slow passing away of old male self. I made a good man for a long time. I wish I could have gone on being that man. He wasn't real, but he was worthy...and he is worthy of being mourned, and I am mourning him.
I can always wait a little while before taking that first pill...and I think I do want to try to do that. (Shh...don't wake her up...)
Yeah, there is this sense of dual self sometimes: I feel like the wary parent of an exceptionally emotional and willful child. Parent-self does feel feminine, but does not need to insist on that; child-self is all girl, and ready to throw a tantrum at any moment: IMAGIRLIMAGIRLIMAGIRLIMAGIRL... I hope that, as my inner parent continues to learn to better nurture and direct the energy of my inner child, and as my inner child continues to learn both to trust my inner parent and to govern her own passions a little, my one deeper self will begin to emerge...as whole and complete a woman as I can be.
There is an outcome here which I have hardly dared imagine, but which begins to really seem possible: I am a convincing natural woman in the world, and in love with someone who is in love with me, and I've not hurt anyone, and I'm happy. And now since my daughter has company over, I'm going to have to go into the bathroom to cry.
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