I did it. At around 2pm this afternoon I transfered my oh-so-carefully worded coming-out memo from its text file to an e-mail and clicked "send," and out it flew to a mailing list of, oh, I don't know exactly, 300 people? Everyone, in any case, I work with in my people-intensive job. I don't think I've experienced a moment that heightened since my last child was born.
By 4:30 or so when I left I had answered a couple of dozen kind, warm, generous e-mails from volunteer-friends. They said some truly blush-inducing things. I'm expecting dozens more e-mails in my inbox when I get to work tomorrow. The attention is nice, of course it is...and I'll be glad when it all dies down again.
No negative responses so far...maybe a puzzled or uncomfortable look or two. But I know, the down side could come at any point in the future. I'll be living with that potential from now on.
Every big step so far has felt like a test...do I really mean it? Any remorse? Do I wish I could take it back? The answers this time are: yes, no, no. I do mean it. No remorse...I feel incredible, free. And it wouldn't matter if I did want to take it back, because I can't.
No going back in through THAT door! I'm out, baby, out for ever more!
On the way home I rewarded myself for my chutzpah by stopping for a quick shopping spree in a chi-chi boutique in Kennebunk. Very different from my usual Goodwill jaunts! I picked up a truly gorgeous hand-knitted grey sweater top, light and feminizing with pretty flared sleeves, and two pairs of lovely dangly earrings...I have a serious weakness for dangly earrings, especially silver ones with a funky antique look. :-) All on sale, all on credit...and right back to spending as little as possible...
I'm still high. What a rush. What a life-affirming moment. Hey world! THIS IS ME!!
It's miraculous. I get to be.
So, Dee, can you tell us: How are you doing Day 2? Has your universe changed? How? Coming out...coming home and welcoming others in...
Posted by: Deb | 01/28/2010 at 06:20 PM
Yes, how are you doing? I'm wondering . . .
Posted by: Zack | 01/31/2010 at 08:27 AM