So a family friend offered me a deal I could actually afford on laser beard-removal, and two weekends ago now I went and got my face zapped.
I had read a lot of conflicting reports about how effective laser really is, and before Ardis's generous offer I was scared off by the prices, so I had steeled myself for the long slow painful (and also expensive, but with the expense more drawn out) process of electrolysis. I tried a couple of different electrologists and liked the second one, but it was slow and it was painful, and I looked like I had rope burns from a suicide attempt, and the healing was very slow...there's skin on my neck which still gets red six weeks after my last treatment.
Laser is also painful, but it is quick. So quick, in fact, that I had to keep asking Ardis to slow down because I was hyperventilating. It's a scary machine, at least the first time. I had to wear special goggles to protect my eyeballs from getting fried, and no one else was allowed in the room, and when she zapped skin close to my eyes I saw a flash even though I had my eyes closed and the goggles on. There was also a smell of burning hair, which added to the drama.
I was a mess, saturated with anxiety and anticipation. Part way through I felt tears welling up and had to ask Ardis to stop so I could sit up and bawl for a minute. I cried because until the moment came I hadn't known if I would really go through with it, and the fact that I had was another addition to the growing body of evidence about just how serious I am about transition...I really don't consciously know the depth of my desire to be a woman very clearly, and have to consider evidence like a concerned friend. I was also mourning the passing of one small part of the man I have been. No takebacks on this. A lot of my beard is now gone, never to return. I'm going to be clean-shaven for the rest of my life, whether I become a woman or not.
Considering how much this relatively simple step shook me up, what am I going to be like if I ever get to the big final no-takebacks steps?
On the way home after the treatment, something was wrong with my right eye. The taillights and streetlights smeared and shifted every time I shifted my gaze. It was caused, I now suppose, by the edge of the mal-adjusted metal goggle-cup pushing hard on my eye through my closed eyelid--something I was to freaked out to say anything about when it was happening. The problem cleared up by morning. At the time though, driving through the dark, still reeling emotionally, I could only assume with a sense of dread and loss that this eye-damage was permanent, that it was the price I would have to pay for getting rid of my beard. And I thought, it doesn't matter. It's still worth it.
Two weeks later, there are no dark hairs on my face which are growing. There are still some dark hairs, which will need to be zapped when they start growing actively again...the laser missed them the first time because they were dormant...and there are grey hairs which the laser doesn't touch which I'll have to go back to electrolysis for...but still, after one treatment, my shadow is noticeably lighter. I even fancy that my cheeks and chin are a little less heavy, the skin settling down a millimeter or two without all those follicles in there to thicken it.
Lighter beard, no sideburns, hair getting long, eyebrows plucked, new ways I've been practicing of letting my lips rest softer and fuller, smiling more...sometimes now even in plain man mode when I glance in the mirror I get a femme flash back. I really am moving into the center space between the genders now.
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