My children have a thing they do called the "awkward turtle"...you put one hand over the other, palm to back, and waggle your thumbs on opposite sides, like a turtle swimming, and it symbolizes a deeply uncomfortable social moment. Recently I've had a couple of awkward turtle moments around pronouns.
One was with Kennedy, an F to M acquaintance of mine. I met him through a support group, and we talked a couple of times and formed a mutual liking. Then he showed up at my work one day as the head of a team of people who had come to do some cleaning as part of a time-dollar barter trade. The other people on his team were using female pronouns with him, and that confused me. My mistake was to assume that they knew each other; thinking about it afterward, I realized I had overheard comments which made it clear that they had only come together that day. But in the moment I heard "she" and "her" and when he came to say hello I asked haltingly something like, "You do live as male, right? Out here in the real world?" And he sort of faltered for a moment (Awkward turtle!) and then rallied with apparent effort and said heartily, "Yes, of course!"
Sorry Kennedy! I squirm, I squirm!
Then there was a social gathering at a coffeehouse put together by MaineTransNet, the remarkable little non-profit group which had also put together the support group where I met Kennedy. When I showed up in full femme mode there were already about ten people there, in various stages of transition in both directions. One was Dal, whom up until that time I had only seen in a MaineTransNet video...a fully transitioned transwoman. She was physically large, especially through the shoulders, and the way she was sitting and talking, taking up half a couch and filling the room with her voice, the first vibe I got was masculine, so when she said something I agreed with, I said, "He's right! I mean, she's right...beg pardon!" Squirm squirm...awkward turtle to the tenth power...ow, ow, ow...this one still makes me blush...
Sorry Dal! Please don't hate me!
Later we talked face to face, and I got from her face and manner the true femme feel which will ensure I use the right pronouns from now on.
And then, just to provide a little perspective from the other side, the other night I was at a training for trainers in Maine's No On One campaign (Google it!), and I introduced myself as trans and was feeling femme, and when someone used male pronouns with me, it grated. You mean "she," said my internal voice...but I did not speak aloud. I let it go.
I begin to perceive that if I am going to transition, I am going to have to grow a thicker skin along the way...which, thank goodness, helps me forgive myself for messing up with Kennedy and Dal.
Live and learn, right?
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