I have made up my mind: I intend to transition, and I am moving circumspectly but deliberately toward that goal.
The femme ache tracker turned out to be useful only to a point...what I came to realize as I updated it each day was that the way I had set it up, the only way I was going to decide to transition was if I was in constant emotional agony from having to stay male. What about a positive, life-changing decision freely and joyously made? This past week, I made such a choice. It's an emotional decision, more feeling than words, but clear for all that: I am a woman...I feel no maleness left in me...and I am going to make my outside match my inside. Not because it will kill me if I don't, but because I want to. Because I want to feel right in my body, at long last.
As you can see if you care to look in the sidebar to the right, I have changed the name of the tracker. It no longer tracks ache, but resolve. I'll keep updating it daily, and I'll be honest if my feelings cycle back again down into doubt and ambivalence...as impossible as that seems to me at the moment, fresh from the crucible of my deliberations...
So once again I find myself planning a talk with my children. I restrained myself, with effort, this past weekend, counseling myself to patience. The soonest I would propose to start living as a woman full time would be next summer, so I have plenty of time to ease them into the idea even if I don't stretch the timeline out. Still, a talk soon would be a good idea, I think...can't let them fall too far behind. And having had one talk go well, I'm not quite as braced for disaster as I was the first time...and I know the value of friendly ears and minds in the rehearsal and planning stages and will make good use of them again this time.
I roll my eyes at my own compulsive caution...but it is my way, and I embrace it. I want to come to my goal knowing I did everything I could to help them through an evolution which must seem to them bizarre at the very least.
And then there's the fact that I've mentioned this blog to daughter17...hi sweetie, if you're reading this let me know...we need to have a talk. No! Ya think!?
On a lighter note, I'm going bowling tonight in full femme mode with the Maine Trans Net crew...after an excursion to the mall to put at least one pair of dangly earrings on a credit card...my six weeks of training studs are up tomorrow! Yay! :-) It will be my first time dressed at the mall, and that's supposed to be a big right of passage, but based on how well I've been passing I expect it to be routine. I'm a little more nervous about the bowling...anxious about encounters with rude men...but I'll have my boys there to protect me... :-)
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