The ache is back. I could have sworn I was not suppressing, but it appears I was, because there was a moment mid week when I was journalling when, as a few other times, I hardly knew myself what I was going to type next, and it was the same refrain: I want I want I want; and then the next morning, a sudden flood of tears as I daydreamed a scene of welcoming among friends after transition...
I did a blog entry at the start of the week about maybe painting my nails and wearing them that way in man mode, getting in people's faces with it...but that's just not the point. I feel no need to confront. What I need to do is solve this conundrum of my life. Am I going to become a woman? Once again I think I am. I am moving forward on that project. And it feels even stronger this time because the reasonable adult part of me is on board, along with imperious aching child me, who knows what she wants and demands it now.
The key to this new step was letting go of the idea that I have to decide for good and all before I do anything. No, I don't. There are several steps I can take right now while the decision still evolves. I can work on making more money; I can grow my hair out; I can practice my femme voice (which is really starting to happen...an amazing exercise); I can keep meeting and talking with other trans people; and I can start seriously pursuing the project of getting rid of my beard. I am consciously applying myself to moving all of these projects forward. I am moving towards transition. The question now really is not, will I transition, but will I stop?
Well, typing that is good for a shiver. But that's where I seem to be.
It's a four on the tracker. I specifically do not feel compelled. I just want, and feel deliberately headed in a direction arising out of that want.
Comments