Big deal, right? I've painted my nails lots of times. But only once, and briefly, have I gone out in male mode with my nails painted. I stopped for a bottle of wine at a local grocery on the way home from having been dressed somewhere, and the clerk gave me a sour look. (I might have imagined it.)
This time I'm thinking of painting them and just leaving them painted as I make my way through a regular week...shopping, at work, at the gym, with the children on Thursday night. If I do it I'm going with my favorite sparkly crimson, not the dark-plum-verging-on-black which might pass as a goth affectation. Unabashedly femme nails. Add them to my gold ball training earrings, lengthening hair, aggressively plucked eyebrows, and increasingly feminine carriage and demeanor, and there will be comments. I've already gotten comments from puzzled-looking friends I haven't seen for a while...they tend to focus on one element..."You got a different haircut!" I take that to mean I'm still shy of the tipping-point beyond which someone will say (or at least think), "You look like a woman!"
It's also worth noting that painted nails are much more exclusively feminine than anything else I've done in male mode so far. This would be an escalation.
One thing that is holding me back is that I don't want to have a dozen unplanned coming-out conversations with randomly selected acquaintances...but on the other hand, I find the social task of deflecting curiosity with jokes or pat phrases or fibs distasteful. The other thing is, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to cross the line all at once, instead of by inches. I've imagined sending an e-mail to all staff, announcing my transness and setting up a test week of 24-7 Lisa mode...requesting the use of the femme name and pronouns...referring anyone who feels uncomfortable to appropriate University offices duly notified in advance. A splash.
That's assuming I will be crossing the line...but I do seem headed that way, one way or another. Underneath, the same old deeper question lurks: stay as I am and play in the middle, or transition? Who will be my model, Eddie Izzard, or Jenny Boylan?
In any case, if I am going to paint my nails, it won't be until Tuesday, because on Monday, tomorrow afternoon, I have a first date, and I don't want my nails to be the first thing we talk about...wish us luck! :-)
Comments