My parents died many years ago, so the story of my trans-becoming has been simpler than it otherwise might have been. How would they have reacted? My father would have been pleased and proud, I think, because he valued eccentricity and individualism highly. My mother might have disapproved at first, and in the way she had might have pointedly told me that it wasn't so...and this would have been maybe the only time I would have responded to such a pronouncement by saying, oh, my darling mother, this time it is so, however much your first impulse might be to will it away. And quickly or eventually she would have embraced this new version of her child. Or so I imagine.
It is more than just wistful surmise to consider what might happen this coming week. I travel today to New Jersey with my children to stay for several days at the home of a couple who were friends with my parents when I was a toddler. They have four daughters, the oldest just my age, and they have taken a continuing tender interest in me, and so are as close as I have left to parents in the world.
The wife of this couple is a forceful, opinionated, and joyous Jewish matriarch; her husband is mild and kind and possessed of a lovely wry sense of humor. Every member of this family is fiercely smart and funny. I love them.
Shall I come out to them? I think I must. The inevitable bracing begins. I'm afraid the husband will be hurt by the news, though he would never say so...I with my father 30 years gone and he with all girls seem to have forged over the years an unspoken son-father bond.
The children are back for their week with me, and it has been harder than ever to force myself back into simple man mode. It feels increasingly false. As I struggle with the question of transition I have to remember that they only just heard the news last week, and a carefully filtered version at that. I'm still coming out to them too...
My number on the tracker for yesterday is not a five only because I was able to dress, which relieves the ache for a little while. I bought a bracelet and ring at two different stores in downtown Portland and met the remarkable Jackie Ray at MaineTransNet...I hope to interview her (and others in my growing trans circle) for this blog in weeks to come.
Here comes another vacation which feels like more work than staying home and working... *wry smile*
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