I've told everyone whose love I care about, and for whose emotional welfare I feel responsible, about being trans, and they have all responded with warm love. And I feel more intensely grateful for that than I can ever remember feeling about anything in my life.
I said it before, I think, but it bears repeating. For the first time in my life I feel loved for my true self. That's huge.
The darker half, though, is that now nothing stands between me and transition but me. And right now, as I type this, that's nothing. I want it. I want to be a woman. I want to be the female human I have always felt myself to be. Before it's too late. Before I die. I want it. Doesn't matter what gender partner I might end up with. It's not about sex. It's about gender. It's about self. I want to be in synch. After 40 years in prison I want my little patch of natural time. Oh, it hurts. I have to transition...there's no other option.
That's how I feel right now, today, anyway...and that's the exact condition and description of the maximum score, 5, on the femme-ache tracker. So today is my first five.
How many fives before I start to take steps?
That I do not know. All I can say for sure is...more than one.
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